She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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