I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
