why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
