did you get engaged???
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize