Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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