I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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