I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
