proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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