i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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