Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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