What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
