Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Four minutes until I can fart!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
