I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize