dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
