kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
