I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
