I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
