I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
