im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize