Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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