i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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