everyone is single if you try hard enough
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize