I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
