i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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