Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
