I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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