My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize