you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
