Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
