i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
