I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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