Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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