so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
