I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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