i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
