I heard we made out
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
