We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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