it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
