you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
