Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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