I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
