K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
