I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
