He uses pillows to masturbate.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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