he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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