so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
