Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
