If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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