In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
