It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
are you so shy because you have an std?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
