ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
