nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
