How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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