I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
